The major rules for writing Artspeak are roughly speaking:
always use at least two hundred words where twenty would suffice.
always use obscure terms especially when writing esoteric theory.
when stating your objective opinion make it sound like it is universally accepted as unquestionable truth.
drop names of famous people wherever possible. This advertises that you are well read.
sound very serious. All humor should be obscure, even grave.
Artspeak aims two audiences:
to captivate the Artzy fartzy who claims he comprehends the deeper meaning of what is said. That is until he is asked for the meaning.
to intimidate the non-Artspeaker with obscure terms and flowery inflated syntax with the intent to make him feel intellectually inadequate and factually uninformed. It serves to prevent any thoughts that the object in question might really be just another Put-on.