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Published on before 2005

I have taken the liberty of renaming and describing some of the important university art courses offered at their favorite very expensive Modern Art Academy.

By the time you finish your training you will be a certified ARTIST and you will get a coveted certificate to prove it.

Drawing courses should be renamed Paper Dirtying.
- You will be expected to produce one realistic drawing of an egg in order to convince yourself that you have mastered drawing realism and then proceed to more serious stuff. Here you can smear away on large newsprint pads. You will be taught all methods of how to excuse the errors, the little sloppinesses and that miserable art school look, as experimental distortions.

Design courses should be renamed "Kindergarten Theory for slow learners."
- Here you will learn all those modern academic techniques including advanced dripping flipping and snipping. Although students have been doing this for the last fifty years you will be given the impression that this it is all very new, highly creative and extremely important. You will learn how to defend your dull repetitive results as compositional experiments.

Art history should be called "Art Mythology."
- Here you will learn that all past art merely anticipated the Impressionists whose evangelical struggle to overcome their evil enemies led to the glories of Avant Garde Modern Academic Art which is presently admired by anyone who claims intellectual grace.

Painting courses should be called "Canvas Alteration."
(Course requirement - the above three courses.)
- Here you will learn the latest methods of how to convince yourself that your product enhanced by your lack of drawing skills, is an all new, very serious, self expression which was designed to exhibit honesty, sincerity and emotion rather than any useless technique. VERY NICE teachers will instruct you in accomplishing this.

I have always suggested a new course called "Artspeak One." This would crystalize the ideas in all the above courses. - Besides sharpening your illogical abilities, mastery of this course will teach you how oppose any detractors by dropping cryptic terms and impugning their character.

The latest issues of the most prominent Artzy Fartzy magazines will be required reading with great attention to the lingo used to describe the masterpieces therein. The public dangers of anything labeled as kitsch, commercial and illustration will be discussed in lectures by important guest critics.

At term's end you will be examined on your abilities to analyze the ethereal essences of Mondrian in at least ten thousand words or more. Mastery of this course should enable you to defend any Modern Academic masterpieces work against any and all negativisms.

P.S., When I first posted this many of my detractors wrote the usual stuff about my "ranting negativism." I sincerely advise them to consult any of the millions of unrecognized, technically inept disgruntled genius university art graduates who failed to win the Modern Academic Art lottery and listen to their extensive ranting negativism about art and money.